Sunday, January 19, 2014

What can a couple do to restore trust to their relationship?

What can a couple do to restore trust to their relationship?


After many years of marriage that have seen numerous painful circumstances requiring forgiveness on the part of both spouses, what can a couple do to restore trust to their relationship?


First be wary of clich├ęs and pat answers that promise quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. By your own testimony, it’s taken many years to build the wall of bitterness and suspicion that now stands at the heart of your relationship. You can’t expect to tear it down in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words “trust” and “forgiveness” really mean.

Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. As has already been indicated, trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the rebuilding process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true where the offenses in question were unusually hurtful or if they’ve been repeated numerous times. When you’ve been wounded, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:

1)     A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.

2)     A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.

3)     A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic  
        issues and to make all the necessary changes.

4)     Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.

        Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:

1)     Condoning or excusing the offense.

2)     Forgetting past abuses or injustices.

3)     Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.                            

4)     Immediately trusting the offender again.

 By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it    means:

1)     Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.

2)     Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.

3)     Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.

4)     Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.

Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse — “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.  

We would strongly urge you and your spouse to discuss the concepts at length with a certified marriage counselor. We have a staff of trained Christian therapists here at Focus on the Family who are available to consult with you over the phone — you can call one of them Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain-time at 855-771-HELP (4357). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able. Our counselors can also provide you with a list of qualified professionals practicing in your area.  They’ll be more than happy to assist you in any way they can.

Copyright © 2010, Focus on the Family. Used by permission.

Also Read

How in most cases mothers on the side of the bride are most interfering causing breakage of marriages

How mothers can break marriages

Aditi Gyanesh, TNN Jan 4, 2014, 11.06AM IST
LUDHIANA: Sanya married a well to do businessman one and a half years ago. But she felt lonely in her marital home as she did not talk much to her in-laws. However, she talked to her mother every night and updated her on every detail. Her mother encouraged her to adopt the tit for tat attitude.
Sanya's husband, Sumit, who remained busy in his business or the family, followed the advise of his mother, who kept a strict tab on when and where the couple went and what they talked about.
Interference of mothers on both sides led to fights between the couple and after one and half stormy years they were in court for divorce. None of the four were willing to adjust.
Sanya and Sumit are among the many couples in Ludhiana who suffered marital discord due to the interference of mothers on both sides. A whopping 50% of divorce cases in courts have come within two or three years of marriage. The main reason being the inability of couples to adjust in each other's families. Advocate Avtar Kaur Brar, who handles such cases in Ludhiana district court said, "We get many cases of mothers intruding upon the lives of married couples. Newly weds also don't understand the need to maintain a distance and follow their mothers, landing up for divorce eventually. In most cases, it has been found that mothers on the side of the bride are most interfering. Girls share everything with their mothers and instead of putting them on the path of marital happiness, mothers ask girls to adopt a confrontationist stance. Couples today lack understanding and file for divorce."
Although marital discord may also be prompted by factors like domestic violence, extra marital affairs and busy partners, interference of mothers is a constant on both sides. Members of Punjab Istri Sabha, an organization which counsels couples coming for divorce, say they encounter cases of parents interfering in the married life of their children every other day. Eventually, things come to such a pass that the couple's life is spoiled and she files for divorce.
"It is very sad that parents don't even tell their children to understand their partner and just go along with their decision to file for divorce. They are also keen to get them married again. What is the guarantee they will not interfere in the second marriage and take it to divorce? Marriage is not a small thing to dispose of anytime. A couple must understand the importance of maintaining distance," said president of Punjab Istri Sabha, Gurcharan Kochar.
After interference of mothers, marriages also hit rock bottom due to extramarital affairs, which are increasing in the city. If advocates are to be believed, many of these liaisons are the result of social networking sites like Facebook, Whatsapp and mobile phones. These distractions don't allow partners to spend the crucial initial time with each other after marriage. In about 25% of cases, couples don't understand each other because they don't spend much time with each other. Other reasons for breaking of marriages include domestic violence, too much arguing, lack of equality, infidelity, marrying too young and unrealistic expectations.

Filing of Defamation and Contempt of Court cases - The Indian Judicial system - FAQ

Filing of Defamation and Contempt of Court cases - The Indian Judicial system - FAQ 

A Panel discussion on Legal Point  programme on LOKSABHA TV telecasted on 6th January 2014

1. Mr. Murari Tiwari, Secy Delhi Bar Council
2. Mr. Urmalesh, Senior Writer- Columnists
3. Mr. R. N. Vats, Presidenet Delhi Bar Association
4. Dr. N. K. Jha Dean, Professor & Dean, School of Social Sciences & International Studies
Anchor - Mr. Suraj Mohan Jha

The discussions focuses on various common scenarios as to How, When and Where Defamation and Contempt of court cases can be filed, including False implication in ipc 498a  (dowry Harassment cases), Gender Biased laws, on Lawyers, on Media etc.

Below is the link to the post on the details of Defamation petition filed by a Retd SC Judge seeking to restrain them from publishing news pertaining to the law intern’s allegation of sexual harassment (except judicial orders) and claiming damages to the extent of Rs. 5 crore.

Delhi HC grants temporary relief to J. Swatanter Kumar; Restraint on publishing details of allegations, use of J. Kumar's photograph

Part 1 of 2

Part 2 of 2